in remembrance of

I was contemplating whether or not I would actually write this post. It's something that I consider to be very personal and the thought of it being on the internet for everyone to read was a bit really intimidating. But then I thought about why I'm writing this blog. It's to document my life, the things that I do on a daily basis, the little moments I enjoy and even the outfits I wear. So that I can look back and remember everything. And as much as I love writing about fantastic things like trips I go on and hanging out with my friends and family, it would be completely unrealistic to pretend like that is all that happens in my life. I have bad days, and sad things happen. So I guess to stay true to blogging about what happens in my life, I need to write about not only the good but the bad as well. And I guess that is what this post is about. 

On November 27th this year I woke up around three o'clock in the morning. I don't know why, maybe there was a noise in the house or I was too hot. It isn't important. What is important was that I was up at this crazy hour of the night and I could not get back to sleep. About thirty minutes later I heard the phone ring. I ran to go get it, confused as to why anyone would be calling at that hour. As I reached the phone I saw on the caller ID that it was my grandparents calling. My grandfather had passed away in his sleep from a heart attack.

I have never felt so sick and sad and empty all at the same time. I've never lost anyone close to me before and it was hard to process everything. It didn't feel like this was actually happening.

I didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't want to see anyone. I didn't want to talk. For the next week every time I went out in public I would get cloudy vision and dizzy and couldn't breath. I started having major anxiety and panic attacks. I missed two and half weeks of school. I didn't want to deal with anything.

Some of my friends would try to comfort me. One night they all wanted to hang out. One of my friends was coming home to study for finals and we were going to pick her up from the train station. Some of us met up for coffee before and I was trying to convince my best friend to come as well. I guess he was having a bad day or something, I don't know. The exact details are a bit blurry to me know. Anyways, he got angry with me and said some awful things to me about the death I was dealing with. Things that I can never forget as hard as I try.

Not only had I lost someone I admired, but someone who I considered to be my best friend was acting like a stranger.

My thoughts would constantly circle. I kept replaying the days previous to my grandfather's death. We had been at an event and he had just got back from a two month vacation. I could only stay at the event for less than an hour because of work and I didn't go up to him and say hi. I could do it next time I saw him I thought. The next night he had called to talk to my dad and I can remember wanting to talk to him, but letting it go. Again, I would talk to him later. He wasn't ill. There was no reason for him to go when he did. No one suspected it. He was perfectly fine the day before he passed. The amount of guilt I felt, and to be honest still feel today, because I hadn't talked to him has stuck with me.

As with all things though, time seemed to heal some of the hurt. I started reading the bible a lot. I found passages that helped me come to terms with things, my favourite being this:

"Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. Now it is God who has made us for this very purpose and has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come. 
Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. We live by faith, not by sight. We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it." 2 Corinthians 5:1-9

The reason I am writing this now is because after my grandfather passed away he was cremated. And today is his burial service. All I can say now is that I have learned so much from all of this. How to deal with death. More about my friends. More about God. The importance of not putting off what you could get done today for tomorrow. 

My grandfather was someone I was very close with. But it's not because he was particularly fond of me, although I know all of his family had a special place in his heart. It's because everyone he met, he was close with. He had a way of talking to people that kept them engaged. He was genuinely interested in everything about people. He was the funniest person I've ever met. He was witty. He made you feel special. He gave you the hardest time, but that was okay, because he loved you. It was all part of his charm. He was one of the few people I admire.
 
He was kind of amazing.
 
I know this is a lot. And I am fully aware that there are so many people that have had to deal with so much worse than I have, and I do feel a bit ridiculous ranting about this. Going on like it is the most devastating thing. But for me, it is. I promise there will be lots of happy stories to come later this week about the crazy things I do with my life. I just needed to write this. I didn't really talk about it to anyone when it happened. And I don't like talking about it now. But writing is a bit different, and I guess this is a bit of closure. I found a poem a while back here that kind of sums it all up. 

If tears could build a stairway

and thoughts a memory lane
I'd walk right up to heaven
and bring you home again
No Farewell words were spoken
No time to say good-bye
You were gone before I knew it
And only God knows why.

My heart's still active in sadness
And secret tears still flow
What it meant to lose you
No one can ever know.
But now I know you want us
To mourn for you no more
To remember all the happy times
Life still has much in store.

Since you'll never be forgotten
I pledge to you today
A hallowed place within my heart
Is where you'll always stay.

God knows why, with chilling touch,
Death gathers those we love so much,
And what now seems so strange and dim,
Will all be clear, when we meet Him.

- Author Unknown